i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
