You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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