I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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