At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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