I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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