so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
