Ambien. No doubt about it.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
