I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
