who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
