The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i need some magic done to my vagina
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
