Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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