toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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