Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Your cock deserves a montage
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
