Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
