i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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