just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
