i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
