You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We need to get me chipped asap
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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