No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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