So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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