and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
