suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
