I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My dick has a subreddit
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
