Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
