She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
