What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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