Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
