speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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