I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
