update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
