Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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