i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
