Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
