you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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