today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
