I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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