that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
