Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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