I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
