There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
