Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Randomize
