It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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