im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
