my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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