dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
