I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
