I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
