Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm getting married
To pizza
My bed smells like the plague
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
