dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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