just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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