she woke up with a sticky ear
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
