Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
